Thursday, October 16, 2014

Halloween (phobia)

Reasons I don't like Halloween:

1. Plague of commercials for scary movies, broadcast around midnight, just as I'm starting to twilight snooze on the sofa and then BAM there's Annabelle's goddamn face terrifying me right back awake (but now with heart palpitations + frozen limbs [can't move for fear she sees me] + do-or-die need turn on every light in the apartment).

1b. I can't watch scary movies. Very nearly skipped Halloween in 8th grade (don't forget Halloween is a gargantuan friggen deal in high school), having just watched a classic paranormal horror movie (re-released in theaters for extra trauma), one I still avoid calling by name. 

2. As a serial procrastinator, I seldom (fine, never) organize my outdoor decorations/trick-or-treater swag on-time. Case in point: Last Halloween, Ashley came over to dole out candy with me. Upon her arrival, we realize neither one of us bought/brought the goodies. But I had wine, so we got drunkish and ordered Chinese food instead. 

3. People don't "get" my costumes. Not because they're clever or obscure, but because they're (usually) shoddily thrown together last-minute and visibly make zero sense without some explanation/context. Recent failures include the year I dressed up as Little Edie from Grey Gardens, the time I was a Nurse Barbie (don't think that's even a thing), and when I was Annie Hall.

Reasons I like Halloween:

1. Costumes. Wait, didn't I just finish saying mine suck? Confusion, deal with it. Rarely but really, I experience bouts of Halloween Proactivity re: dressing up. I plan ahead! I buy supplies! I've even been known to digitally color-in fox masks & iron 36 heat-transfer print-outs of tiny apples to my clothes! When it does happen, decent results ensue.

Not bad, eh? Pretty sure we knocked it out of the park that year. It's OK to be jealous.

2. Candy. Specifically: Crunchie, Tootsie Rolls, Rockets (yes I'm that person), those caramel cubes that get stuck in your molars, Kit Kat, Swedish Berries, Sour Patch Kids, and Smarties. Bite-size chocolate bars (so small they don't count) are God's gift to the delusional.

And how friggen clever is that severed hand candy bag up top?? (The Kitchn has all sorts of packaging ideas.) Considering the 31st is weeks away, there's a small chance I'll get my act together in time to pull this off. Wahoo crafts! Projects! Medical supplies! Etc.

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